Another Script From the Cosmic Play
PD
Welcome back to Cosmic News. We continue our month long series, “The Milky Way: Stories From Planet Earth.” Closed Captioning in Earth’s native English language brought to you by…
NICK
…England, a little island on planet Earth, known for disgusting food, gloomy weather and bad attitudes. By a complete fluke of fate, England became the domineering faction on planet Earth with English becoming the planetary language. Occupants of the island were so anxious to leave the island, they built a lot of boats. It turns out, on wet planets, that is the secret to planetary conquest.
PD
That’s right, Nick, the English spread across the world with their pale, almost translucent skin. They occupied so much of the world for so long that most of sentient species of Earth spoke the English language. We’ve seen it time and time again throughout time and space. On these wet, lively planets, whichever species first builds the most boats dominates the planet in culture and language. It’s usually an island everyone’s trying to get off of.
NICK
A little side note here, it looks like the Earthly place known as “Spain” almost won global domination, but the wind happened.
PD
Fire and wind make boats go sink-ey.
NICK
Viva la inglés!
PD
Special thanks to England for Earthling captioning.
NICK
Today’s story follows an earthly being called Ned the Fish throughout time and space. Alive from planet Earth in the Milky Way galaxy, here’s Susan Starslime.
SUSAN
Thank you, Nick. I’m Susan Starslime reporting alive from the Milky Way. We first meet Ned the Fish in an ever so slightly salted Earthly sea. Ned is just one of a large school of fish in the gulf stream patiently waiting for traffic to resume its Earthly current. Two partially sentient octopuses are fighting on the southbound 405 waterway.
NED THE FISH
Look, I’m no different than anybody else. I’m a normal fish. All I want is to get through school, make a family, and live a nice life.
SUSAN
Ned the Fish has no awareness yet, no sentience. All he knows is, there’s a female fish somewhere, and his mission is to spray a cloud of semen in her general direction.
NED THE FISH
I’ve been practicing on clams.
SUSAN
When the octopus is finally cleared by two slightly sentient killer whales, traffic resumes on the 405 waterway. Ned has swum over one hundred miles for this opportunity, and soon will be his chance to build the family he always wanted. How do you feel, Ned?
NED THE FISH
It’s pretty exciting. I mean, my whole life was leading up to this moment, so I’m both excited and nervous, but I have faith. You know, things happen for a reason. You know, God’s here in my gills.
SUSAN
Things happen for a reason, Ned says. Things happen for a reason, indeed. It’s a reason Ned the Fish can’t possibly understand. This moment will haunt Ned the Fish for eons throughout time and space.
PD
Find out what happens to Ned the Fish after this quick word from our sponsors.
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PD
Welcome back to Cosmic News. We continue our month long series, “The Milky Way: Stories From Planet Earth.” Tonight’s story, Ned the Fish, continues. Susan Starslime reports.
SUSAN
Ned the Fish has a lot riding on this moment. It’s finally Ned’s turn to spray the ladyfish. A grim limelight shewn upon this moment in time-space.
(Gasps)
There is a terrible misfire. Ned the Fish’s entire cloud is projected into, onto, and around another male fish.
NED THE FISH
Oh, God, why? I’m so ashamed.
SUSAN
Ned the Fish didn’t last long as a fish after that. He was never able to have a fish family. His entire school disowned him. He was last seen with a lemon in his mouth, swimming towards a large net.
PD
After this break, we’ll catch up with Ned the Fish as he evolves into a sentient being on planet Earth. How will Ned the Fish’s misfire effect all life on planet Earth? Stay tuned.
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PD
Welcome back to Cosmic News. We continue our month long series, “The Milky Way: Stories From Planet Earth.” The story of Ned the Fish continues with Susan Starslime reporting.
SUSAN
Ned the fish has evolved in time and space, as one does in the Cosmos. The consciousness that is Ned the Fish has become entirely sentient but not yet conscious. It’s a tricky place in time and space, where one species on a planet becomes aware but not yet conscious. This is the period when 99% of species in the Cosmos destroy themselves. This species on planet Earth call themselves… Hu-mans.
Despite highly intricate neural network and complex sentient processing capabilities, the humans were either uninterested or unaware of their opportunistic connection to the source of life, thus the hu-mans were still pathetically obsessed with basic survival and pleasure, thus the processes of ingestion and procreation were the leading drives and influences upon the preeminent species of planet Earth.
We join Ned the Fish in an ever so slightly salted inland place called Los Angeles. Ned is just one of a long line of canned humans on wheels waiting for traffic to resume its Earthly current. A giant octopus movie is being filmed by two slightly salted Angelenos on the southbound 405 freeway.
NED THE FISH
Look, I’m no different than anybody else. I’m a normal guy. All I want is to get through school, make a family, and live a nice life.
SUSAN
Ned the Fish doesn’t remember his previous 3,562 incarnations on planet Earth. Ned the Fish doesn’t remember our last encounter with him either. Here on Earth, consciousness recycles, but rarely remembers its past incarnations. It’s a dreadful thing, really. They’re doomed to repeat themselves, and the only way out is through consciousness, but they’re entirely unconscious of their unconsciousness and entirely unaware of their unawareness.
PD
After this break, we’ll catch up with Ned the Fish as a human-man-person on planet Earth. How will Ned the Fish change the course of Cosmos history? Stay tuned.
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Dollar General: Ya’ll come back now, ya here.
PD
Welcome back to Cosmic News. We continue our month long series, “The Milky Way: Stories From Planet Earth.” Ned the Fish has become a hu-man man-person on planet Earth. Susan Starslime reports.
SUSAN
Ned the Fish doesn’t remember being a fish. He doesn’t remember being a squirrel or a pig either. He doesn’t remember any of his past incarnations, but Ned the Fish’s past incarnations remember him. They speak through him in everything he does.
Ned the Fish is now one seven billionth of the human species. The humans created an Earthly society which rigidly suppressed and denied its natural procreative sexual drive. They had imposed tabus upon themselves with nearly all forms of pleasure, with copulation at the fore. The humans were in denial of their very nature, locked in cycles of fear, and enslaved by thier own systematic dogmatic cages to which they referred as “re-li-gion.” As the higher beings of the Cosmos know, repression and suppression malalign and imbalance entire species by intensifying that which is being repressed or suppressed, prompting it to become impulsive, compulsive and usually highly destructive.
In no uncertain terms, the humans were sex repressed and sex obsessed. As long as the humans were stuck in these cycles of ingestion and procreation obsession, the humans would never seek higher Truth, and they would never know their true potential, doomed to repetitive laps of blind loops engulfed by inertia as Ned the Fish had done for, oh so many lives.
Ned the Fish’s misfire as a fish led him to lifetimes of semen spraying obsession. Eons before humans arrived on Earth, most Earthlings had long since evolved past the fish spray technique. Ned the Fish was never able to copulate in the manner which other earthly creatures copulate. As a squirrel, he continued spraying. As a pig, he continued spraying. He was never able to evolve past the fish technique. In all his incarnations, he never produced offspring. In all his incarnations, he was abandoned or disowned.
In his forty-ninth human incarnation, Ned the Fish founded a company for humans using an Earthly net called the world wide web. Ned the Fish named his company PornHub. PornHub was a company designed to capture moving images of human copulation and project them into the eye-holes where humans perceive vision. The visual stimulation became a highly addictive means of acting out compulsive sexual impulses for the callow human race.
But there was a slight alteration to the means in which humans copulated in these illusive projections. Everyone in this Earthly net on this so-called PornHub used the fish spray technique as directed by Ned the Fish.
NED THE FISH
Huh? What you mean I used to be a fish and I’m destroying humanity? Ya’ll are weird.
SUSAN
Ned the Fish’s obsession with the fish spray technique brought the fish spray technique into the forefront of human experience. Soon after the human species began using the fish spray technique, the human population sharply declined. During the last decade of human existence, humans gathered for bukkake parties all across the world in a last ditch effort to produce human offspring.
Ned the Fish never became aware of his role in the extinction of human species, as the human species never became aware of itself or the root of its demise: unawareness itself…
Ned the fish’s consciousness was last seen slightly salted with lemon, swimming towards a cosmic net.
PD
Haunting story, Susan. Thank you.
NICK
Haunting indeed! We do have a cosmic update on Susan’s incredible, edible, story. Although humans did not survive on Earth, EVERY other species on Earth thrived immediately after the human extinction. It turns out, humans were the pestilent, parasitic plague upon the planet, and upon human extinction Earth has become a truly beautiful place.
PD
Fuck the humans, Nick.
NICK
Fuck the humans, indeed, PD. Fuck the humans, indeed.
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